SHE started it; SHE should come apologize to me!

[Nik P.]

Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17).

What is our Christian responsibility in reconciling with people who offended us at boards we left? Whose fault is it when fights spill over from one board to the next? Is it our responsibility to step in when two are publically saying, "Yes I did", "No you didn't?"

When we figure this out, I'm going to call this our position on "Forum Collegiality."

[Carolyn Spence]

We seem to think that activity in an online community is the same as a relationship face to face. I disagree. The interface with our lives is so minimal, that for a moment, we can focus on the tiniest aspect of who we are or what we think. And there is no accountability available, in that no one sees the effects of what we think on our lives. No one sees who we really are...

That said, there is value in being offended online. The scope of the words that offend are so distinctly targeted, that the Holy Spirit can use that irritation to bring our attention to an area that might need change without disrupting a larger part of the life we live. I am not sure reconciliation is what should be our aim, because it is not the whole person with whom we have had an issue. It is the one aspect that has offended us, and there is not really room to allow the rest of that person to interface, unless you know that person offline, of course.

What should be our aim is to address the source of the offense, to find out why we are insulted and why our emotions have been deployed. For example, if someone of Islamic faith were online, and in response to a dialog, called us "dogs, infidels, despised by Allah, and doomed" there would be little offense taken, because we know that to not be true. The offence would be in the Islamic person. And actually that person should pay attention to those he has decried, because the truth rests with them...

In the same way, when we are offended at what someone says online, we may need to pay attention. It may be hurtful because its an area that needs attention in our own life, it may be the truth - which often hurts - or it may be that the grace and love of God for those in error needs to be more adequately developed in us. I have found it a very useful exercise to really look at what is happening when I am offended. Sometimes a little growth is all it takes to change my perspective.

We cannot resolve issues in the same way we can resolve relationships. Relationships need more interface than an online discussion board. Should we leave the boards? Time is precious, and it should probably not be spent dialoging with those who do not want to hear us. If we don't really want to hear those on the board, then we have both wasted words. We should reconcile enough for dialog to continue in the future... but most people want to be heard rather than to hear... and our dialog should be involved in "hearing" each other and in sharing the testimony of Jesus... it has the power to change us and to bring heaven into view. These are the words that can really affect us... and for good.

Respectfully yours... Carolyn

[Aida]

Nik, you’ve asked some tough questions and I’m not sure we can come up with a position since circumstances may differ in each case. However, I’ll take a stab at expressing some thoughts.

I think we should always try to reconcile with people when there’s been an offense. However, that’s not always possible if the other person doesn’t want reconciliation. The best we can do then is to forgive and hope that somewhere down the road reconciliation will be possible.

As I’ve said before, I believe boards should be moderated and, when fighting breaks out, the moderator should deal with it immediately while it’s still a little spark. At that stage, a gentle reminder is usually enough to calm things down. If not, the moderator may have to get a bit more firm. I don’t believe regular members should ever step in and try to deal with it. This generally causes more problems since people don’t tend to listen to someone unless that person has some sort of authority such as being a moderator.

Other than a general list of forum etiquette and instructions, I don’t think it’s a good idea to have procedures that are set in stone. Moderators should have the wisdom and maturity to deal with individual cases. I do think it’s a good idea for everyone to have an idea of what the intent was of the person who started the forum since that would help the moderators immensely in keeping the conversations on track.